My goal is to respond to this poem in such a way, that the reader is interested in my perception of Hayden's poem. In order to have a well rounded response, I intend to improve on presenting the evidence and expounding on the quotations used in my response. Both of the responses to my initial response essay brought this to my attention in comments such as "a little bit choppy" especially in the third paragraph. In hopes of fine tuning my essay, I took the advice of my professor and class mate in reconstructing the third body paragraph in my essay in attempts to smooth my transition and make it an overall easier and more enjoyable read. The third body paragraph lacked a transition sentence all together, in which I countered by re evaluating my thoughts and inserted a transition statement, and restructured the entire paragraph by decreasing the number of quotations used from Hayden's piece, and expounding more in my thought process and explanation on the overall perception.
Secondly, if my perception is going to be known to the reader, I have found it to be critical that the reader understand what my thesis statement is. In both comments to my initial essay, my peers stated that my thesis was clear and well rounded. One comment stated that it was "a bit bulky" but an over all good thesis statement. No changes were made or are intended to be made on the thesis statement, if I have painted a clear picture to you, the reader, as to what the thesis and overall essays components are, than any changes are unnecessary and could actually do harm to the essay by giving an obscure thesis statement.
Lastly, in order for me to achieve my goal in delivering a well rounded and clearly understood response essay, I have come to the understanding that I will require to in cooperate more lively vocabulary in order to maintain the attention of my readers. One of the comments to my initial response stated under "mechanics" for the grade scale that it, "lacked sophistication." I believe that I can take the measure of re evaluating the word choice used in order to keep the reader interested and paint a more accurate picture of my perception of "Those Winter Sunday's" by Robert Hayden.
I may add in conclusion, that I have not received a comment or critique for my revised essay, making it difficult to determine rather the changes made were sufficient in order to deliver a well rounded response and analysis essay. However, I will continue to evaluate my response and search for ways to make my essays a smoother and more lively read that reveals sophistication and intriguing perception of "Those Winter Sunday's" by Robert Hayden.
Hi Eric,
ReplyDeleteI would like to begin by saying; I have seen drastic improvements in your writing style, clarity and organization. I can truly see the improvement in utilizing the thesis statement, adding in your personal tone and voice, and critical thinking skills. However, despite these improvements, there are a few areas I feel you should focus on to make your writing even stronger such as local organizational concerns, incorporating supporting evidence, and verbosity.
First off, while the organization is strong, one point is still a concern. Your thesis statement states, “After two critiques from the professor and fellow classmates, one revision essay, I can conclude that I have a fairly well written essay, however I could certainly improve on expounding on my quotations and use of MLA formatting, reconsider the construction of my third body paragraph as well as focus on keeping my essay alive in selection of stronger vocabulary.” Now, based on this thesis statement, I expect to read paragraph #1 focusing on quotation, paragraph #2 focusing on the third body paragraph and paragraph #3 focusing on language. However, based on your actual essay, body paragraph #1 discussed both evidence and the third body paragraph. While this first paragraph is well constructed and flows nicely, I was blindsided by the discussion of the thesis statement found in paragraph #2. Overall, this is a small concern in the long run, as the remainder of your organization was spot on. With the other clarity, I was able to stay focused and understand what you intended the essay to communicate.
Another area to consider strengthening is incorporating quotes. I see you doing so briefly, as you discuss critiques you received by others. However, as you choose to discuss a topic, consider what point of text supports you. Again, this is a small detail, as you gave enough details for the quotes to almost appear paraphrased. However, without citation, I do not know if you actually did so, or are just that strong with description.
Furthermore, I can see that you have taken rhetorical devices to heart, almost to the point where you need to now edit them as well. Consider the thesis statement again, yet this time from a rhetorical angle. “After two critiques from the professor and fellow classmates, one revision essay, I can conclude that I have a fairly well written essay, however I could certainly improve on expounding on my quotations and use of MLA formatting, reconsider the construction of my third body paragraph as well as focus on keeping my essay alive in selection of stronger vocabulary.” The descriptions are well thought-out, yet this sentence is also incredibly long. In fact, it is dare I say, almost Victorian in nature. I suggest reviewing prepositions and prepositional phrases. This way, you will be able to more easily identify when you have written a run on sentence.
Overall, this essay had only a few small details to criticize including rhetoric, support and organization. However, beyond those elements, I can see strong improvement throughout this classes coursework, and I am hoping you continue on this path. My grade breakdown is below:
Overall: 4.4 (88%)
Critical Thinking: 5
Organization: 4
Evidence: 4
Rhetorical devices: 5
Mechanics: 4